He just can't run in the soft - hopeless he'd rather run on the M25

He just can't run in the soft - hopeless, he'd rather run on the M25."Ridden by Graham Bradley, the eight-year-old ran his best race so far at Cheltenham last Saturday, a display which convinced connections he was good enough for the King George.Nock added: "He loved it, the race suited him. Those blokes in Z Cars did it too, and so, I believe, did John Thaw as Inspector Morse and none of them was ever arrested for the crime!! Also ...""Yes, yes," said Gerry. "I get your point."The next time it happened, Lenny ran away with the jacket and was apprehended by two members of the public (played by actors) who were supported by a policeman (played by an actor) who was unfortunately impeded by the public (played by themselves) and Lenny got away again. He brought back the jacket again (Armani copy, pounds 229.99)."We could have the public all played by actors next time," said Gerry, hopefully "Every spectator, every bystander All fake That would be impressive.

Incidentally ...""Yes ?"said Don."Have you vetted the bloke that plays Father Christmas in the mall ? Can you trust him?""You mean, trust him not to touch up little children?""No," said Gerry disgustedly "Trust him not to shop-lift ... Father Christmas's costume might have been custom-built for shop-lifting ..."By the time Christmas was only a week away, almost everyone of consequence in the mall was played by an actor. Father Christmas, policemen, members of the public, shop-lifters, everyone. Crime had gone down, sales figures had gone up."I think we've turned the corner," said Gerry, when he went for his quick daily meeting with Don "Crime is down, impersonation is up.

At this rate, all the shopkeepers will be played by actors as well!"There was no reaction Then Don turned round. But it wasn't Don! It was someone else!"I'm afraid Don couldn't make it today," he said. "I'm standing in for him."The funding for this story has been provided by Equity, the actors' union. This Christmas time, please don't forget out-of-work actors, and please try to use them whenever possible. They can masquerade as anyone - your in-laws, carol singers, waiters at parties etc.

They're cheap and they're cheerful, and usually house-trained You won't regret it!. Sir: Colonel Neil Donaldson's remarks (report, 17 December) about two women in Catterick, who may or may not have HIV, are very revealing about the Army's sexism. It's fine for soldiers to be promiscuous but, at the first hint of danger, Colonel Donaldson accuses the women who have sex with these soldiers of being "liberal with their affections .. and ... not averse to indulging in casual sex, often unprotected" while his "young soldiers .. are somehow vulnerable". Isn't it time that the Army started recruiting real men who are responsible for their own actions? PETER J RIMMERLondon EC2. Sir: I write on behalf of a group of relatives in the Cambridge area who care for Alzheimer's patients in our own homes. We resent becoming an easy target for Blair's welfare "reforms" ("Blair is on a mission", 15 December).

By all means let him crack down on fraudulent claims, but he must not use a scattered blunderbuss attack which harms those with genuine needs. Several of us who are under 65 have given up good jobs in order to care for a spouse or parent. In some families where both the a younger victim and a spouse who cares full-time can no longer go out to work, the financial blow is horrific: I reckon that over the course of this very long and terminal illness my husband and I together will lose quarter of a million pounds in potential earnings. Taxing or means-testing the disability living allowance (DLA) hits a family when it is down and is immoral and offensive.All of us greeted with hollow laughter the exhortation that people on benefits should be helped back into work. As carers, we receive pounds 37.35 a week invalid care allowance for round-the-clock care of an extremely difficult nature That works out at 22p an hour. We do a job which it would cost the state 10 times as much to provide in a residential home. Yet we carers are not allowed to earn, even if we were able to, more than pounds 50 a week clear.