I'm sorry love said one woman we just can't help people like that

"I'm sorry, love," said one woman, "we just can't help people like that."She must repeat that phrase often, because 10 per cent of all British households do not hold a current account, according to the Office of Fair Trading (OFT). They were all interested and helpful until we admitted they were a tenant without a bank account. The freephone number is not available to council or private tenants, who usually have to pay for a lengthy call to an ordinary line.The Independent on Sunday rang several companies asking on behalf of someone for a loan of pounds 5,000 to repay a family debt. "Of course, the greater the risk to the lender, the more they're entitled to charge."For all their flashy promises, the brokers who advertise in the newspapers will not help everyone - only those who have a home that can be used as security against a loan. Her story is told below."They may not be illegal but some of them are extortionate," says Moira Haynes, of the National Association of Citizens' Advice Bureaux. The ads attract people such as Hilary, who borrowed pounds 13,000 and ended up with a demand for pounds 67,000. The promises of fast payment and relatively moderate interest rates are tempting, but the small print often differs from the main ad Many begin with modest loans that turn into huge amounts.

You don't even have to have a boss."All you have to do is dial a freephone number to get help straight away. They attract the customers that no one else will touch - either because the person's credit rating is bad, they owe lots of money already or they have been the subject of court orders."We don't want to know your life history," says one ad offering loans of up to pounds 250,000 "We don't need to contact your boss. Next! BUT I cannot shuffle off my cultural responsibilities just like that, you know The dance and the verse will always have a home here. My bossa nova - oohhh, yes, one, two, three, si, si, si! - is the talk of quite large parts of south-west London, and you will, of course, remember that this is the column that is backing Reg Kray for the poet laureateship. Besides, I've got the kind of world exclusive Bloomsbury would pop its tweeds for I have Ernest Hemingway. You must remember, beard, tweed suit, big fan, like the Captain, of a man proving he is a man by facing fear and writing short sentences Anyway, it's the centenary of his birth in July. And it's being marked by the publication at last of True At First Light, the novel written in 1953 but kept in the family because of the way it deals with his last wife, Mary.

And, now, with ado, courtesy of William Heinemann, the Captain brings you, yes, the first word: "Things". And what do you think came next? That's right: "can only get better". No, Alastair, mate, stop, come back! It was just a joke! The first sentence, really, is this: "Things were not too simple in this safari because things had changed very much in East Africa." Now read on. You're right, though, now you come to mention it, it is quite a long sentence, isn't it? Next!BBRRNNGG! The telephone, and, on it, R A C Quart, my lead restaurant reviewer and food writer. "Captain, have you heard of a pop singer called Robbie Williams?" A little cheeky; I tell Quart that not only do I know exactly who Williams is, but I also remember his Dad, the one who used to have the Christmas show, wore turtle-neck sweaters, and was always singing "Moon River".

"That is as may be," continues Quart, "but the boy certainly lacks a sense both of proportion and style, garlanded though he might be with awards and approval. Fancy approaching Marco Pierre about putting on a post-Brits party for 290 close friends at the Titanic and then jibbing at the price!" Quite, I snort, before inquiring about exactly how much the tousled souffliste wanted Williams Junior to cough up "pounds 20,000! A snip!" replies Quart. Quite, I murmur, resolving to 1) have a closer look at Quart's expenses; and 2) buy that book of Delia's for beginners. My, though, but Blair's Britain is a bracing place to be! I mean, did you know how much that nice David Beckham's chosen barber charges? pounds 800 Another snip! Next!MONARCHY Corner. Followers of the Captain, those of you who joined when I was three pages further in, before I went to the back pages, before I went to Frinton for that period I don't really want to talk about, will remember that this is the column that supports our royals. Even if you only joined last week you will know that I am currently in the way of applying to become a royal warrant holder (that's "By Appointment" to you).

So it should come as no surprise to learn that, as usual, I was outside Buckingham Palace for the Changing of the Guard on Tuesday. And, as usual, our German friends were well represented among the heartening numbers of foreign visitors. And, I must say, the friendliness of the atmosphere seemed, to this officer at least, a resounding riposte to Herr Naumann, the German culture minister who has been complaining, just a teeny bit hysterically, about our supposed insensitive and backward obsession with the war. Why, I swear no one even blinked when the massed band of the Coldstream Guards broke into a lively rendition of "The Dambusters' March".