Nice hat Mrs D! Sorry? The Captain pursuing some sort of anti-youth agenda? Bah! You should know that I have received an

Nice hat, Mrs D! Sorry? The Captain pursuing some sort of anti-youth "agenda"? Bah! You should know that I have received an e-mail from a teenager! I have: Miss Magnavacca of Walton-on-Thames says the column is "quite funny", too. It's this plan to introduce on-the-spot fines for cyclists! He's put down an early-day motion protesting against `rough justice'!" I replace the receiver, warmed once more by the thought that while there are people like Bradshaw about, democracy truly will be secure. Next!WHAT? The other picture? That, I will have you know, is Mrs Davis of Baldock, MBH (Moonlight Badge Holder), providing further evidence of the existence of the Moonlight Badge, an existence that some cynical observers have sought to question. A revolt is afoot, Captain, and you can judge its seriousness by the identity of its leader!" So just who might this Danton, this Havel, this Mandela be, I ask? "Ben Bradshaw, Captain, the young member for Exeter, whose previously unswerving devotion to the project has been a matter of awe even in the innermost nooks and crannies of Millbank!" And what it is, exactly, that has turned even young Bradshaw into the path of dissent, I ask? Freedom of information, Ulster, the Lords, cronyism, Kosovo, the passport crisis? "None of those, Captain. Next!BBRRNNGG! Busy, busy, busy! This time it's Miss Una Tributable, my redoubtable political correspondent. "Captain! From tiny beginnings, great political movements grow! And I think I detect such a small beginning, the first fissure in the mighty monolithic monster that is New Labour.

Yours aye, D Jenkins." My sympathies, Mr Jenkins, please accept an exclusive black-and-silver enamel-effect Moonlight Badge in the hope that it will in some way soften this unfortunate encounter with raw youth. "Not everyone who goes to Glastonbury is in the first rocket stage of their salad days, you know. I myself have accumulated a very respectable number of years, yet I was there, `getting down' to Miss Love and her remarkable band, Hole, not to mention the Manics and the Chems But I did have one disappointment. Approaching the vendor of an interesting- looking magazine called Green Anarchist, I noticed the legend in the top corner of its front page, `Free to Pensioners'. When I demanded my free copy, the vendor, a tad impatiently, I thought, pointed out that it said, in fact, `Free to Prisoners' Rather embarrassing. Thank you.KKERRPPLLOPP! Yes, that's the sound of a Letter to the Captain hitting the veneer, narrowly avoiding the illuminated pencil sharpener in the shape of Blackpool Tower It's from Mr Jenkins of Kensington "Dear Captain," he writes.

Another point which should always be borne in mind is that it is also quite wrong for any of the yachting party ever to go beyond the foc'sle hatch; the space beyond that belongs to the crew entirely, and should never be invaded. Speaking of flags, quite a common mistake is to lower the burgee, as well as the ensign, to half mast on the occasion of mourning. This is quite wrong: the ensign only should be at half mast, the burgee should never be lowered. It is taken down if they are absent for a day or more, and is flown again directly they step on board on their return, but if they are gone only for a short sail or a row it is not taken down.